I do not know where am I going, I do not know why am I here, I just feel a sense of longing…a longing like waiting for some light to come from above and tell me “You are meant for this!” This stage of not knowing who you are, the emptiness I feel in my stomach when I see all the people who have found their meaning and are working towards it, this feeling of being stranded alone in the middle of no where and going no where. I am trying , I really am!
I am reading all the books I can which will help me go to my core. I am trying to be as calm as possible and not let my temper rise at anything that instigates me. I am exercising, I am eating right. I am doing all that the books preach you to do and then a light will shine from within and you will know who you truly are. I know it happens only when you are ready. Not a second before, not a second after.
But my patience is wearing off now. I am waiting …eagerly for the unknown and the unseen. I am waiting for the reunion of myself with myself. I want to feel at home, I want to feel my blood thump in my veins. I do my affirmations, I think thoughts which nourish me and I do the mirror work. I practice and there are times when my heart expands with happiness and excitement. I do feel the presence of the power within me. I feel elated and that all the joy of the world is in me. But there are times when my heart sinks, I feel like cutting off from people and just be myself. There are many times where I just sit and think about nothing. Hours pass and I wake myself up from my wander-off and drag myself into the kitchen to finish off the remaining chores and cook the meal.
It’s a mixed phase I am in. A phase that I know will pass. I know light is shinning at the end of the tunnel. But this is the journey which I have to make. It is my journey. I have evolved. I am more comfortable in my skin, I have lost weight, I exercise, I drink plenty of water and I am in control of my anger.
I have come this far and I will make it further. I will reach my destination. Every morning and every night I say to myself – I am happy to reside in you, and grateful that you are with me. It is you who I live in and I know you will not leave me. I have been hiding under the mask of words and kept writing about things which according to me the world wants to hear. I have been afraid of being vulnerable, thinking that I will be judged. But I happened to chance upon two originals ( Lulu and Ruby) who have bared their soul and been courageous to bluntly write how they feel and surprisingly their writing moves me. They inspire me and this is what I am going to do.Write. Exactly how I feel. No fear, no filters. Just the direct flow of words from my heart to my hand. This is my journey and I have to be true to myself.